PART 2: A further exploration of Misperceptions that can lead to the Submissive violating the Dominant’s Hard Limits.
Part 1 can be found here: The Hard Limits Of The Dominant – Part 1
As we discuss Hard Limits and what would lead to any version of the “My Way or The Highway” line drawn in the sand, lets consider the concepts that we start with of Who and What a Dominant or Submissive is supposed to be. When one starts with a flawed impression or concept of your partner’s role that is out of balance, the likelihood of conflict is practically inevitable. To this end, there are some strong misperceptions that float about the greater BDSM and D/s Universe that are grossly imbalanced myths that need to be eliminated. In part 2 we are going to be addressing these and clearing up these misperceptions.
Misperceptions Regarding Submissives
To begin with, lets examine the idiotic and unbalanced concept which states “the submissive has all the power,” a notion that every-so-often wretches its foul stench up into the airy domain of the mostly sensible BDSM Community. Like a variety of other misperceptions, the issue here is how a concept can set up failure through its inherent imbalance. The submissive DOES NOT – ever – have “all the power” (or as the saying often culminates, “because she can walk away at any time”) and while that seems to be a deceptive way to tease new submissives into letting go of power and seducing them to feel safe, it also sets up inevitable failure because it fosters a belief in the submissive so that she sees herself as this iconic bastion of righteous control over the D/s Relationship.
This Is Nonsense!
- BOTH the Dominant and the Submissive HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME POWER TO WALK AWAY.
- BOTH Require Each Other For ANYTHING TO HAPPEN.
- EITHER PERSON Can Safeword AT ANY TIME.
Read those three points above once again (or perhaps 20 times).
For More on The Power Dynamics of a BALANCED D/s Relationship CLICK HERE
Conversely, another ridiculous myth that goes around is this idea that all submissives are these weak, easily pushed around, totally fragile little glass fairies, and if you look at them too hard they will explode or melt into nothingness and vanish into thin air or fall over dead. To start with, this is so completely the opposite of what I have experienced that it is not even funny. Some of the strongest human beings I ever met in my life were the most passionate, deeply devoted submissives and slaves that I have known, and / or personally had in my life. I am speaking from the personal experience of getting inside these submissive’s heads and witnessing first-hand the superb strength inside of each of them.
I had a funny incident one time when I was doing a scene with one such slave in a BDSM club open to the general public. We had just completed a very intense scene. As we were starting to clean up our toys, an obviously clueless frat boy walks up to me and arrogantly declares (clearly intending to antagonize me / earn the dickhead of the night award), “Hey I bet you enjoy beating up on weak women, huh?” I looked at him and busted out laughing and asked him incredulously, “are you serious?” My slave looked at me as well with a face also asking “Is he serious?” I then leaned close, looked him straight in the eye, and said to him, “Dude, in your wildest dreams you WISH you had One Tenth of the Strength and Will Power inside this woman…” gesturing to my slave standing next to me, “…in your wildest dreams.” He looked at her, saw her starting to laugh, dropped his jaw, looked very confused, and walked away.
Dominants Are Not Invulnerable
Another Core Problem amongst these ridiculous myths is this idea that Dominants are these blocks of invulnerable stone who are either so completely immovable that even an unstoppable force cannot shift them from their legendary position, or they are there like the Cliffs Of Dover for the submissive’s waves to endlessly bash against. An alternate version of this myth says that Doms have this exterior of iron and steel but deep inside they are soft little squishy children. Neither of these erroneous images about the Dominant is going to help any D/s Relationship.
Dominants Have Hard Limits.
The truth of the matter is that Dominants do NOT just sit there as these giant Sequoia trees and let our submissives throw themselves against us and crash their cars into our mightiness while we reply “hmmm yes well that’s no problem, everything is just fine.” There is a LIMIT for any Sane Dominant, and we all have our line in the sand. As tough as the Dominant might present themselves in any given moment, if the submissive crosses that line and acts in a way that might be harmful to the Dominant as a Person, as a Spirit, and a Being, then the Dom’s very pact of integrity with themself dictates that they tell the submissive that the sub needs to take a step back behind that line and rectify the situation promptly. Perhaps the Dominant will offer help and guidance still – that is not an unreasonable option – but either way the submissive needs to know when they are getting precariously close to violating one of the Dominant’s Hard Limits.
This is why, when I pick my metaphors, that I always choose Balanced Opposites to describe a D/s couple, images that convey a Constructive Relationship between the Dominant and the Submissive where respect flows in BOTH directions. For example, if my slave is my lioness, then I am her Lion watching over her. If occasionally she comes over and metaphorically bites my ear I give her “a look.” If she bites my ear again I look over at her for a longer, second time. If she bites my ear a third time I metaphorically put my massive Lion Paw on her little lioness head conveying the message that she needs to cut it out. Stern, drawing the line in the sand, but still caring and looking out for her overall well being.
If I use the metaphor that my slave is a flower, some kind of beautiful, amazing orchid from deep in the jungle, or some perfectly groomed rose, or a magnificent bon-sai being sculpted, then in such a metaphor I, the Dominant, am the Loving Gardener. I seriously care to see my submissive flower Blossom, and I tend to her cultivation with the intention to put as much strength and vigor into that flower as I possibly can. A bon-sai must be shaped and guided, and the greatest beauty comes through precision grooming. Likewise a rose bush thrives the best when groomed at the right time and in the right way, and comes back with even more blossoms.
It is the Dominant’s job to know when the grooming is necessary that will result in the greatest beauty in the D/s Relationship, and also to “groom” the elements in the submissive that would otherwise cross the Dominant’s lines-in-the-sand or violate his Hard Limits. Because a Gardener uses their hands with love for the plant / flower that he is tending, in this metaphor when grooming invasive or decaying elements (e.g. weeds in the garden) that would violate his Hard Limits, the Dominant’s vision for a Positive Outcome remains firmly the goal and focus. It is not about the reprimand nor the warning to the sub – those are just the tools used in the grooming – but rather it is about the Dominant clearly and calmly conveying to the submissive which behaviors are antagonistic to the Relationship’s longevity (i.e. “weeds” violating his Hard Limits), and which behaviors will be like nutrients in the soil so their D/s Connection can grow Stronger.
Fine Dominance Requires Time, Patience, and Dedication
Even in regards to the common usage of the term “Master,” I often find that I feel “Master” most appropriately parallels the idea of Sensei. A sensei is a teacher, what you call the Master in the martial arts dojo for example. A fine Master, the Sensei, wants their students to be exceptional, to become great. The greatest honor a Sensei can have is to train and groom the student to quite possibly become better than the Sensei themself, and this would parallel a Dominant training their submissive to become so exceptionally graceful in their bearing, manner, and manifestation that it shines brighter than the Master’s skill which created such. This, in fact, honors the Master, the Sensei.
Alongside the idea of Master as Sensei, ultimately when I say the word “slave” I think of a Black Belt student. The slave is not the bottom of the submissive totem pole, but rather the slave is (as we practice at The Crow Academy) at the highest point of the submissive totem pole. When someone is barely submissive, giving a so-so effort, taking their submission as a mere flight of fancy, etc, they are the ones at the bottom of the totem pole; They are the ones who have not yet earned the Sensei’s greatest attention nor energy. The submissives further up the totem pole, say mid-way, for whom submission IS more sincere, are the ones who deserve – and have earned – more energy and time from the Sensei, the Dominant.
In the dojo, the wishy-washy submissives would be the white belts. When a submissive climbs that submissive totem pole in sincerity and embraces their slave-nature inside, the submissive is climbing through the yellow belts up past the blue belts and finding themselves in the green belts half way up the totem pole. Then you get those who take their Submission VERY seriously… it is their Nature, their Joy, their Bliss. The Dominant can see their sincerity and how much they immerse themselves in Submission. The Dominant can see that the submissive really, genuinely wants to excel in their submission and in their service to their Dominant / Master / Sensei. These are the brown and red belts, nearing the first stages of perfection, and they are a pleasure and joy for the Sensei themselves to teach and train. Finally you get those who are graceful enough, sincere enough, capable enough, devoted enough, and diligent enough to be given the title, the Contract, and / or the Collar of The Slave, a.k.a. the Black Belts of Submission. Such a metaphor or way of perceiving the D/s Relationship sets the two in a juxtaposition of ever-building strength and grace, and a dynamic of mutually sought achievement and excellence.
It’s All About Balance
Back to the original point, I do NOT recommend having images of the Dominant as some great block of steel, nor images of the Submissive as some little glass fairy. Those are NOT complimentary opposites. Those are destructive opposites. I recommend that submissives think about how they perceive their Dominant, and accept that ALL Dominants have Hard Limits. The VERY FACT that a Dominant has Hard Limits in general establishes that the Dom is NOT this infinite block of steel that the slave can thrash against endlessly.
To Regain D/s Balance…
- Consider perceiving the D/s Relationship as a balance of Constructive Opposites, where both understand that both have Needs, Desires, and Limits.
- Couch the D/s understanding in a metaphor that is about Growing Together as a Team, and not about two independent elements randomly expecting the other to simply accept any behavior.
- Avoid two-dimensional, unrealistic roles that set either person up as infallible, or roles that dictate excessive fragility.
- Remember that BOTH Dom and sub CHOOSE to be in the D/s Relationship, and both must take full responsibility for that choice.
Entering the BDSM Universe and a D/s Relationship is like Fire-Walking (walking on hot coals). Speaking from personal experience having walked on hot coals multiple times, when done conscientiously and with a clear mind the experience will be Exhilarating, it will be Liberating, and you will NOT get burned by the coals. If you leap onto the coals BEFORE you are ready, or if you are filled with doubt and an agitated mind, or with a mind full of unrealistic expectations not based on reality, then your lack of focus and lack of clarity will make you walk unsteadily across the coals and yes you might get burned. EITHER WAY the choice is absolutely a personal decision to take that first step onto the hot coals, and in all cases – no matter who you are – the responsibility for that choice is yours and yours alone.
During your Initial Negotiation the two of you will discuss Roles, Tastes, Desires and Limits as you are just getting to know each other. Each person will explain what they are into to the best of their knowledge. Each of you will – and should – explain your own Hard Limits, and listen to the same from the other person. If in that Initial Negotiation the Hard Limits expressed from either person do not fit what the other person is looking for, then either person can reject that Hard Limit BEFORE YOU BEGIN ANYTHING AT ALL and accept the consequences of doing so. At that point, the person with the unacceptable Hard Limit can consider rephrasing the Limit in a manner that works for the both people, or the person who is not ok with said Hard Limit can offer alternatives, or if no compromise can be reached BEFORE ANY ACTIVITY BEGINS, either person can politely and simply say “No Thank You” and walk way.
DO NOT ACCEPT A HARD LIMIT THAT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT WORK FOR YOU. If you agree to a Hard Limit of the other person while deep inside you strongly dislike that Hard Limit, and then weeks or months later after you have started playing / training together you THEN decide to make a fuss about it, understand that YOU (whether Dom or sub – does not matter) are the one who allowed that uncomfortable situation to develop.
You could easily summarize by saying the Dominant and Submissive MUST Be 100% Accountable for their actions, which is simply a wise thing to do because it helps everyone grow the fastest anyway. 🙂 But even more than being accountable, remember that neither of you are unbreakable. The goal is NOT to test that limit to see if you are unbreakable (you’re not), but rather to do the opposite and make The Relationship as a whole into a Source of Strength for Both of you.
Bottom Line:
The Dominant and the Submissive, the Master and the slave, are a TEAM.
Make it Real, Enjoy the Intensity, Keep it Beautiful.
— Arcane
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